Mike "C3Mike"
Editorial, Column, DisDem Tuesday, November 24th 2009

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Square got it all wrong.  They didn’t listen to their focus groups and were rewarded with average reviews, average sales, average everything.  They just didn’t understand.  When they had a game about bouncers mentioned, people didn’t mean they wanted the PlayStation 2 action movie-styled game The Bouncer – they wanted an actual game about…y’know, bouncers.

Here we come to save the day, then, like some haggard video game version of Jim’ll Fix It.  Disregarded Demographics will produce a game based on bouncers, those knights who guard our club doors from vagabonds.  It shall be fit for even the most important of the VIPs that they sometimes protect and there won’t be a CGI movie in sight.

So you’re a bouncer.  You stand at the door of clubs and make sure things tick over nicely.  Your main duty, of course, is keeping out the riff raff, which is probably mainly going to be chavs but you never know.  At the beginning of each Club Night (stage) you are given information as to what the crowd are expected to be like and details on the looks that you certainly should not want on the premises.  When it comes round to queuin‘ time, you’ve got to spot the unfavoured ones and make sure they’re halted post-haste.

Yet, don’t be too friendly with those who appear legit.  Ensure that they’re wearing the correct footwear and are not swathed in tracksuit-flavoured pantaloons.  If they are, it is their entry that must also be prevented.  Now, stopping people getting in can be carried out in a couple of ways.  You can speak to them: select from a variety of approaches from negative grunts to shouting or imparting a witty put down.  The latter might endear you to others, making your influence over the rest unflappable and going towards making the night a peaceful one thanks to your defusal skills.  Or if you yell, it might all kick off, which is what everybody was wanting to happen really.

That’s the other way to stop them getting in: beat the crap out of them.  Sadly for Nintendo owners they will not be getting this game as it requires a dual analogue controller.  Each stick controls one of your characters’ arms, and thus flicking them around gives you punching and dodging power, like Fight Night.  Unlike Fight Night is the fact that everything is unrestricted, so it becomes more like an unskilled street brawling equivalent of UFC.  Jab the analogue sticks at random and you’ll probably win – you’re beating up drunks half the time!

A little more tricky are the bits where you have to remove a trouble-causer who has already infiltrated the club and shown his/her true colours later on.  In these situations you must break up any affrays by grabbing the most offensive participant and pulling them away.  Naturally they will shake and squirm, and so you must match their movements with your analogue sticks to make sure you’re keeping a decent grip on them and/or dodging any blows aimed back at you.  The odd crafty click of the analogue sticks lets you use your knees for stun blows, but use it sparingly or you might find yourself on the wrong end of a suing.

There might be some kind of club progression where you start out at a dive and then become brilliant and look after Snoop Dogg’s posse while they’re in a stupidly expensive champagne wonderland.  You might not.  To be honest I’ve not really bothered to decide; you’ll get to fight and insult people either way, so everyone’s a winner.  Except those in the queues.

Images: JeffreyHill, InspectorGadget, ThisIsSoScene