[Ed: Back in my day we didn't have these young Australian upstarts joining Negative Gamer, writing about how everything these days is rubbish compared to the past. When I was a lad you got one haiku a day and you were happy. In this first post of hopefully a new weekly column Tom "Controllersaurus" will be highlighting just how much gaming today sucks by tugging on those rose tinted spectacles and long forgotten memories.]
Videogames have changed a lot over the past decade, from rape being perfectly okay (but only if it’s torrented) to steroid jocks making EPIC stories about homosexual couples and a wife that got in the way. Through this, lots of innovations have probably come about, but as a gamer there is always something that’s left behind with a bottle of piss in a gutter, something we want back no matter how smelly it may be. This column is a bit about that feeling, but mainly involves bitching about how great the golden days were; back when Rick Astley wasn’t an internet meme and Rambo didn’t have saggy tits.
I remember a time when video games were a fair price, when I could feel overtly disappointed that I only received one for Christmas because my parents were cheap and thought Pokémon cards could fill out an echoingly empty boot-shaped sack… Well actually not really, prices have always been quite the stiff blow to the jaw, but at least they were quiet about it. The Bobby Kotick has changed this by coming out of his confetti filled mansion to announce in a César-like moment of glory that he would charge as much as possible for children to have fun. For those who don’t know, the Kotick is a CEO of Activision (a Hispanic word roughly translated to “Reich”) and can usually be spotted in hinterland forests eating small birds, whilst laying his own eggs in their nest.
Something has certainly changed here and it is a world where the Kotick was hunted by school-yard bullies for his shiny trinkets. A world where the Kotick wasn’t given 20% of the nation’s polymers to create plastic nonsense, but instead forced to hide in an Austrian bunker. A world where the Kotick was only known in small satanic groups, who dared not speak his name. A world where I could import Modern Warfare from England at a half-way decent price!
I don’t know when publishers were bestowed the almighty power of He-Man, but it was probably Nintendo’s fault. Ten years ago a publisher’s knees wore down to the bone from grovelling for a mere penny and now they have the audacity to not only raise prices, but to speak… like they were humans or something. We as gamers used to have an omnipotent grip to crush entire platforms, yet now simply leave our hands limp, waiting for the sound of undone zippers and the lights to go out. I know evolution has to happen, but it doesn’t mean we can’t shoot the flying lizard.
The real problem with the Kotick and his kind is that they believe that consumers will reward their greed and it is truly sad to see that they are right in assuming so. People don’t care any more about product value and stare with their wallets open asking if that’s enough. When remakes are lapped up and patches are called DLC, I honestly can’t say I blame these vampiric creatures for harvesting all the money they can. If this is during a recession, what happens when we’re riding on Dream Street, earning twice the money, our sons hanging out with Randy Orton and are still damn poor? Well we’ll be poor I suppose, but don’t let myself referential stab at humour dishearten your burning rage right now… you can wank it out later.
After ending on a joke I felt the need to finish this with a flourish of reinvigorated pessimistic negativity, but I couldn’t come up with anything. Instead I asked David Attenborough to just say a little ditty on the majestical creature the Kotick.
“Yes uh, it is a bit of a dickhead isn’t it?”
Thank you David for the help.
Tags: Activision, Bobby Kotick, Nostalgiapocalypse, Publishers Posted in: Editorial, Article
Great first article Tom! Welcome to NG!
‘That there son, upon thar fields, is a writer. Raging against the world, and all its combinations, making his digits to the words, and speaking his one and true voice.’
That is a good piece.
I can’t tell if your referring to yours or mine, but I’ll accept the complements either way