Let’s face it, all you Lara lovers. Ms. Croft is aging.
Perhaps more gracefully than most, but nevertheless, the fearless raider of tombs has been doing her thang in eight different games since 1996. It seems like just yesterday that I was strafing awkwardly and tumbling out of windows to avoid ferocious canines, all the while battling ridiculous camera angles. Nope. It’s been twelve years. Feeling old yet? I am.
The fine gentlemen at Eidos believe that Lara’s design has rapidly become stale to most gamers, and that’s contributing to how poorly recent titles have sold (couldn’t possibly be because they’re just shitty games, amirite?). This obviously calls for a complete overhaul of the character. Quite possibly, a move to make her more FEMALE-FRIENDLY! HOLY SHIT!
Via the Times of London, Robert Brent had this to say:
“We need to look at everything, as we develop the next game. Look at how Batman changed succesfully, from the rather sad character of the Michael Keaton era to the noir style of The Dark Knight.””
Except people care 99% more about Batman, because he’s the goddamned Batman. This is Lara Croft. It’s going to take a lot more than revamping a digital fucking avatar to jumpstart Tomb Raider sales.
But I digress. Maybe it IS time for Lara to get herself a new look. After all, she has been parading around awkwardly in the same getup (for the most part) for years now, tackling the same adventures, and getting basement-dwellers so hot and sweaty you’d think they just stepped out of a sauna. A new look could magically make sales flourish and turn Tomb Raider into the greatest franchise that ever was. Plus, catering to women as if they are a different species always sees profits!
So, I’m TOTES excited, you gaiz! As an owner of a pair of ovaries, PERSONALLY I’m hoping for these things from the NEW LARA!
- Saggy breasticles!
- Much love for the Jonas Brothers and Gerard Butler! <33
- A positive attitude! BECAUSE THE WORLD IS FULL OF SUNSHINE AND PUPPIES!
- Five kids and a career to juggle, because that makes me feel less bitter about my own life!
- A level head that doesn’t let any MENZ get in the way of what she wants!
Totally, Eidos. Bring that and I’ll finally play Tomb Raider even though I have for years, but my interest has waned because the games are a trainwreck!
Seriously, Eidos. Forget this Extreme Makeover bullshit and get down to brass tacks. Want to know the secret to selling games? Don’t half-ass them. Leave Lara’s tits a-bulgin’, and her thighs luscious. We just want to see titles that don’t play as though five minutes were spent on them.
iTunes
Bahahaha amazing. I love how he’s like an abusive boyfriend. Lara comes home after a hard day at work, trying to make the money, to a beer drinking asshole who slaps her around because her looks have gone.
All they gotta do is make her the next Cooking Mama and she’ll be selling like hot cakes. (Bahaha get it?)
I swear that if I have to play another game where I run around on walls and kill everything in my way, I’ll turn this innernet around. I’ll do it, don’t test me!
Meh. Lara is a right bitch. Going about ruining irreplaceable relics and killing as many wild animals in the process as she can.
came here expecting boobs.
sorely disapointed.
As a fairly new Lara fan, I’ll take your word as far as the downfall of the series. I only started with Legend, so I haven’t been too disappointed with the overall results (though Underworld was a tad short), but you definitely make some good (and funny) points.
My first time here, and I will definitely be back!